Allow me to introduce myself. I am Dr. Bruce, a psychologist-psychoanalyst practicing here in New York City with a very interesting practice. Because of my fluency in Italian, my practice is limited almost exclusively to Italians, Italian-Americans, and Italian wannabes.
What are Italian wannabes, you might ask. Good question! In general they are frustrated people from a wide variety of other ethnic backgrounds (Wasps, Jews, African-Americans etc.) who are so envious of the superiority of Italian culture that they are pretending to be Italian. They speak Italian to waiters in restaurants, they dress Italian, they eat Italian, and most importantly they only drink Italian wines and cocktails. This explains the wild popularity of Negronis in New York this year. Some of them are so desperate that they develop the delusion of actually being Italian. They speak in exaggerated accents while gesticulating wildly with their hands. They say “mammia mia” constantly and blaspheme like nobody but a Bresciano.
Now, which category do I fit into, you might wonder? I am unique, in a category unto myself. Although in this life I am a Jew, I was Italian in a past life! This was discovered in a past-life regression therapy (please don’t tell my psychoanalytic colleagues) where I discovered that I was originally Lorenzo di Medici. Nice life, no? Mamma mia!
Freud wrote that psychoanalysis is the science discovered by the Jews to teach WASPS (white Anglo-Saxon Protestants) how to live like Italians. And so you see I am uniquely qualified to offer my unbiased opinions and advice on a wide range of psychological questions and problems from which you may be suffering. I look forward to hearing from you and helping you resolve the problems that torment you, whatever they may be!
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